Pulled in All Directions

May has always been a busy month.  A time when school ends, graduations take place, wedding invitations arrive. Then there's Mother’s Day.  And in my life,  there are numerous friends and family birthday.  I feel as though I’m being pulled in all directions.  So with that in mind,  I decided to make a plan:

1.     Prioritize:

What event is most important?  Who is most important?  I was raised going to church and grew up prioritizing God, family, then career/school.  What comes next is up for debate.  The family pet, neighbors and friends, staying engaged on social media, PTA or myself usually follow.  However putting oneself last is never the best idea.

2.     Give Your Undivided Attention:

       

I recently started reading Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook by Gary          Vaynerchuck and he says, “There’s no such thing as undivided attention anymore.”  One only has to look around to know that it’s true.  We see it everywhere.  At my kids’ school functions I see parents checking their
email or texting.  At weddings I’m sure guests are posting to Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.  In line at the grocery store I see people searching on their smartphones.  But stay focused, it will help you build long, lasting memories.

  

3.     Enjoy the Moment:

When my children were babies older mom’s often would tell me, “They grow so fast.”  At the time I didn’t believe it.  The sleepless nights can leave one dragging for days.  But as my daughters grew older and more independent, I realized how true that phrase is.  Cherish the time spent at your child’s musical and the moments that make you proud.  

My 10 year-old in Seusical the Musical

The same can be said for aging parents.  There is a time as adults when we go off and do our own thing, but a health scare or moment of frailness can leave you with the realization that no one lives forever.  Spend time with mom and dad.  Hold those special moments a second longer than normal.

4.     Take Time for Yourself:

With the graduation and parties taking place this month, I know I don’t want to look tired and ragged.  Go get a facial, workout, get a manicure and pedicure.  Go to the coffee shop by yourself and read a good book.  Spend time at the mall buying a new outfit, or lock yourself behind closed doors binging on the series you never got to watch.  But make sure this isn’t an afterthought, plan for it. 

Reminding myself to incorporate these four basic principles helps keep my sanity intact and makes me feel confident about getting through this ridiculously busy month.  If I miss a birthday or two, or forget to walk the dog...it’s going to be okay.  I can always make it up to them and my dog will still love me.

Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" NEVER comes into play for my professional or school work. 

Figuring out Costly Medical Bills

Understanding an “Explanation of Benefit” statement can be confusing. I sort through my own family’s statements and after a careful look over I can usually figure it out. If I can’t, I make a phone call to the insurance company or medical office. I’m typically at all of the medical visits so I know which exam and procedures were performed.  But when it comes to my parents, I find myself shaking my head and becoming frustrated over their statements.

My parents tell me they’re trying to figure it out. They typically go in person to the medical center.  I have never understood why they just can’t make a phone call, but they like to go in person. Both my mom and dad have Spanish accents and when I suggest they get a Spanish speaking person to speak with, they tell me it’s even more difficult to understand.

According to my dad’s EOB one chemotherapy infusion costs $60,000 and he has had six infusions.
It breaks down to each drug administered, lab chemistry, IV therapy and therapeutic services and these services are listed several times. I realize that the EOB is NOT a bill, but when my parents got the actual bill from the medical center it is for more than their total out-of-pocket expense. When I called the insurance company the woman told me I had to call the medical center. When I called them they told me that’s all the insurance company was going to pay and my father could set up payments to pay the rest. This did not make any sense to me since I believe that the total out-of-pocket expense means my parents don’t have to pay more than that.  I asked for an itemized bill to be sent.

I’m learning how important it is to check your EOB against your medical bill. There are now careers that focus on helping the patient figure out their bill. On the website http://www.medicalrecoveryservices.org there is a cool infographic regarding high medical bills and information on how to fight them.


Medical bill advocates make money when they save the patient money. Their salary is a percentage of what they save the client. When should you get help? A blog from nerdwallet.com has some answers.

Bills, especially medical bills can cause anyone’s stress level to rise. And these days there are so many errors made by the medical center and insurance company. When I get the itemized bill for my father I hope I can figure it all out.  I have a feeling the answer may not be good enough for me.

Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" NEVER comes into play for my professional or school work.

Feeling Overwhelmed?

Washing the dog, gardening and making sure the house is clean can all fall by the wayside when you're overly committed and feeling overwhelmed.  But certain things cannot go undone.  Work, picking up the kids, taking a loved one to a chemotherapy appointment or doctor's visit miles away from where you need to be can leave you pulling your hair out.  Luckily for those of us in the so-called sandwich generation there are home health care companies that can help.

I interviewed Tanya Finnerty with Homewatch Caregivers in North San Diego County.  They provide everything from making sure an elderly parent gets their medication to grocery shopping for a busy mom.

It's nice to know there's help when you need it.  With so many of us living longer there will be some things one cannot do for themselves.  You can find out more about Homewatch Caregivers by clicking here. 

Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" NEVER comes into play for my professional or school work.

Problem Solving Pre-Teen style

As a mother, there’s a natural instinct to protect your child.  When my daughter Julia came home from school I could tell by the look on her face that something had upset her.

She told me that a girl, she has been friends with since the start of school, we’ll call her Sandy, told Julia she no longer wanted to hang out with her.  She and another girl, we’ll call Jewel, then decided to find my daughter a friend and asked another student, Candy, if she would be a friend with my daughter.  They then reported back to Julia that Candy would NEVER want to be her friend.

How cruel.  I was infuriated, how can someone do that to my sweet, kind, considerate, beautiful angel?

I want to teach my children to solve their own problems.  But I know how difficult this can be.  I used to host a PBS show, A Place of Our Own, which helped parents prepare their young children for school and life.  I always applied what I learned to my life with my kids.

We did an entire show on problem solving.  I remember advice from one expert who said, help kids develop problem-solving skills by not always running to their rescue.  She said when they fall down at the park, as long as their safe let them pick themselves up.  Later, when I was at the park with my kiddos I tried to actually do this and observe how other parents reacted.  Every mom and nanny I saw ran to the child as soon as they fell or couldn’t make it up the platform they were trying to climb. 

My daughter then took a tumble.  I saw that she wasn’t physically hurt so I decided to see what she would do next.  But another mother rushed in and helped her up.  This happened a few times.  Each time my daughter fell on her bottom another mom would help her up if I didn’t run over.  I wondered what these moms thought of me.

From talking to numerous parenting experts on A Place of Our Own I knew problem solving is an important life skill to learn.  We started in pre-school but the process of learning this skill needs to continue in the pre-teen and teenage years. 

I talked with my daughter about the options she has.  She decided that she could play with other girls that were in her class last year.  She asked me if I could text their mom to make sure they wanted to play with her.  That broke my heart.  She was losing confidence on her ability to have friends based on the hearsay reported by Sandy and Jewel.

That’s where I thought I should step in and contact Candy’s mom.  I knew Candy.  She’s a sweet girl and I couldn’t imagine her saying she would NEVER play with Julia.  I emailed her mom and immediately got a phone call.  That was not what she said.  Candy was actually having a disagreement with Jewel and things were relayed out of context.

The next day after school, Julia told me she and the other girls got called into the Principal’s office.  Wow, it’s not any place I’d ever expect my daughter to be.  Sandy had remorse and was crying all day at school, so the Principal stepped in.  “You can’t exclude anyone on the playground,” she said.  Julia said she nodded her head and went back to class.

Sandy then told Julia she was told by Jewel to not play with my daughter anymore.  Jewel’s mom said they have discussed with Jewel numerous time about her being possessive of her friends.  Jewel then wrote Julia a letter saying how sorry she was.

By the end of the week Julia seemed happier.  She made a choice to continue playing with the girls from her class last year.  Sandy and Jewel asked if they could all play together and all agreed not to exclude anyone.

We all face different problems each day, from choosing what to wear to peer issues.  As we get older the problems can get more complex.  When children gain problem solving skills they gain confidence.  Reinforcement from parents is just as important and I need to do a better job.  Here’s an instance when good enough ISN’T perfect.  Instead of saying, “Good job”, I could say, “Wow, you figured that out all by yourself.”  This gives value to what they’re achieving and encourages them to continue on the road to self-reliance.

Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" DOES NOT comes into play for my professional or school work.

We All Need a Break

I think many of us know we need to take the time to recharge are batteries for the sake of our sanity, but how many of us actually do it?  Part of playing the balancing act in this "Sandwich Generation" is taking the time to relax and recharge so that we can be our best.  I recently had spring break from a graduate course that I'm taking.  You would think that would be a good time to pause and rejuvenate.  But since my kids had a modified school schedule that same week, I didn't get much of a break. 

Now they are in the middle of their two week spring break.  I never got two weeks off for spring break.... not during my early education years or college years.  But we are in a "laid back" school district where yoga classes are offered and the students get two weeks off for fall break and two weeks for spring break.  Maybe our current school district knows something about recharging for better productivity.

With work in the way, our family only took an extended weekend 120 miles to the north of us.  We enjoyed Universal Studios, the La Brea Tar Pits, walking around Beverly Hills and swimming in the hotel pool.  But for a working mom with young children and aging parents it didn't seem too relaxing.

With so many responsibilities, one needs self care and some pampering.  An About Health article found the benefits of self care.  The benefits include revitalization inside and out, a reduction in chronic stress, and becoming a better caretaker.

With that in mind, the girls and I got a manicure.  And since they were on vacation they wanted treats.  I baked up some brownies and scones.  The aroma of chocolate and baked goods makes me happy and warm inside. I definitely don't feel any stress when baking yummy goodies.

I found a blog post listing 10 reasons why stress baking is actually a great way to relieve stress.  I'm sold.  Before the week is up, I may bake a cake, pie and definitely cookies. 

Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" NEVER comes into play for my professional or school work.

The perfect burial site

There comes a time when a decision must be made on where a loved one’s body will be buried.  Sometimes it comes without any notice.  Other times the person whose body will be buried can be a part of the planning. 

Eternal Hills

Lush green manicured lawns with rolling hills and a sweeping breeze from the Pacific Ocean.  Beautiful I thought.  On the website, Eternal Hills is described as “An ideal location to remember a life well lived.”  Nice slogan.  Another statement on the website says, "Planing your final arrangements in advance is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your family."

For the last few months my mother has been asking me to choose a plot for her for when she passes.  My father has made the choice to be cremated and 18 months ago when he was diagnosed with cancer, my mom chose a final resting place for his ashes at Eternal Hills.  My mother is not one to keep ashes in an urn on top of the mantle. 

Now, she has decided she also wants to be at Eternal Hills but not next to my dad’s ashes, which will rest in a mausoleum.  She wants to be in the beautiful grass with a tombstone close to the mausoleum where my dad will be.  But, she tells me, “I don’t want to know exactly where it is because I will have nightmares.”  That's why I have to make the decision. 

When we arrived at the cemetery, Jacqueline met with us and discussed my mother’s options.  She drove us around in a golf cart showing us different locations.  As we drove by grieving families at various gravesites, I imagined what it would be like for our family when the time comes. 

I applaud my mother for thinking ahead but I’m struggling as to where to place her lifeless body.  Will she like it?  My dad says he doesn’t want any part of the decision making.  I tried pleading with him, "Mom picked your spot, don't you want to pick hers?"  It didn't work.  So whatever plot I choose will have to be good enough.  I really don’t think there is a perfect spot.  Besides, I believe it’s just a body; an outer shell and her soul will be in a better place.  I pray, that the years will pass before the plot will actually get some use.

Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" NEVER comes into play for my professional or school work.

Why Don't Men feel Guilt?

My usual morning routine involves getting myself ready for the day, the kids ready for school and watching the news.  On Tuesday, CBS This Morning interviewed Bryce Covert from New York Magazine about a recently published article that was getting a lot of attention on social media.  

The article titled When Men Want Kids - and Women Aren't So Sure  looked at women in their late 20s to early 30s who don't know if they want to be moms.  Covert says the main reason was over balance.  More women don't believe they can have it all.  Covert says even though men say they want an equal relationship the weight of raising kids falls on women.  She told CBS This Morning, "I also think it's very tough in this country to balance your career and your children."

I have to agree, but that doesn't mean we can't try to find balance.  I think our mothers fought for equality and made a little progress but working mom's still need help.  

I think it was interesting to hear Covert bring up guilt.  She says,  Men aren't going to be asked to give things up and they're not going to be guilted about it."  Why do we women feel so much guilt when we leave our crying baby with the nanny?  The "nanny cam" will show you that most of the time, your child will stop crying shortly after you leave.

When I worked for CBS News as a correspondent servicing the CBS affiliates across the country I felt guilty leaving my newborn for a week.  The previous year during my pregnancy I traveled 200 days away from home.  That wasn't difficult because I obviously carried my child wherever I went, like a kangaroo.  

It was when I went back to work that I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt even though I knew my daughter was in good hands.  Moms have a tendency to think we aren't being a good mother because we aren't there 24/7 to feed, bathe, change diapers and cuddle our children.  

My husband on the other hand, travels and doesn't feel any guilt.  I asked him about it and he just shrugs his shoulders saying it's not something he spends time worrying about.  I like  how Charlie Rose put it,  "Men and women both want equality but women don't expect it."

Covert thinks things may get easier for the next generation.  She says they will watch us as parents and think we're figuring it out.  "We're going to get to equality.'"

I think a lot of us go into this believing we can have it all.... and some find it..... maybe it's learning to deal with the guilt, learning to pray or meditate daily, or learning when it's OK to say "It's good enough."   I admit having family close by helps a great deal.  My sister had to take the kids to school for me this week and I'm thankful for that.  Like so many women, I love being a mom and I love my career.  I wouldn't want any woman to have to chose between one or the other..... unless of course that's what she wanted.

Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" NEVER comes into play for my professional or school work.