As a mother, there’s a natural instinct to protect your
child. When my daughter Julia came home
from school I could tell by the look on her face that something had upset her.
She told me that a girl, she has been friends with since the
start of school, we’ll call her Sandy, told Julia she no longer wanted to hang
out with her. She and another girl,
we’ll call Jewel, then decided to find my daughter a friend and asked another
student, Candy, if she would be a friend with my daughter. They then reported back to Julia that Candy
would NEVER want to be her friend.
How cruel. I was
infuriated, how can someone do that to my sweet, kind, considerate, beautiful
angel?
I want to teach my children to solve their own
problems. But I know how difficult this
can be. I used to host a PBS show, A Place of Our Own, which helped parents
prepare their young children for school and life. I always applied what I learned to my life
with my kids.
We did an entire show on problem solving. I remember advice from one expert who said,
help kids develop problem-solving skills by not always running to their
rescue. She said when they fall down at
the park, as long as their safe let them pick themselves up. Later, when I was at the park with my kiddos
I tried to actually do this and observe how other parents reacted. Every mom and nanny I saw ran to the child as
soon as they fell or couldn’t make it up the platform they were trying to
climb.
My daughter then took a tumble. I saw that she wasn’t physically hurt so I
decided to see what she would do next.
But another mother rushed in and helped her up. This happened a few times. Each time my daughter fell on her bottom
another mom would help her up if I didn’t run over. I wondered what these moms thought of me.
From talking to numerous parenting experts on A Place of Our Own I knew problem
solving is an important life skill to learn.
We started in pre-school but the process of learning this skill needs to
continue in the pre-teen and teenage years.
I talked with my daughter about the options she has. She decided that she could play with other
girls that were in her class last year.
She asked me if I could text their mom to make sure they wanted to play
with her. That broke my heart. She was losing confidence on her ability to
have friends based on the hearsay reported by Sandy and Jewel.
That’s where I thought I should step in and contact Candy’s
mom. I knew Candy. She’s a sweet girl and I couldn’t imagine her
saying she would NEVER play with Julia.
I emailed her mom and immediately got a phone call. That was not what she said. Candy was actually having a disagreement with
Jewel and things were relayed out of context.
The next day after school, Julia told me she and the other
girls got called into the Principal’s office.
Wow, it’s not any place I’d ever expect my daughter to be. Sandy had remorse and was crying all day at
school, so the Principal stepped in.
“You can’t exclude anyone on the playground,” she said. Julia said she nodded her head and went back
to class.
Sandy then told Julia she was told by Jewel to not play with
my daughter anymore. Jewel’s mom said
they have discussed with Jewel numerous time about her being possessive of her
friends. Jewel then wrote Julia a letter
saying how sorry she was.
By the end of the week Julia seemed happier. She made a choice to continue playing with
the girls from her class last year.
Sandy and Jewel asked if they could all play together and all agreed not
to exclude anyone.
We all face different problems each day, from choosing what
to wear to peer issues. As we get older
the problems can get more complex. When
children gain problem solving skills they gain confidence. Reinforcement from parents is just as
important and I need to do a better job.
Here’s an instance when good enough ISN’T perfect. Instead of saying, “Good job”, I could say,
“Wow, you figured that out all by yourself.”
This gives value to what they’re achieving and encourages them to continue
on the road to self-reliance.
Note: "When Good Enough is Perfect" DOES NOT comes into play for my professional or school work.
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